this girls got issues.....but she's starting anew

so long time no blog and alla that jazz. im going to get better at this, for realsies this time.

i've been doing some thinking and soul searching here recently and i had my big a ha moment as oprah would say. the light bulb actually went off and it was a hard pill to swallow, for many reasons. simply put, i've got issues. i don't think my issues are so severe that i need to be fitted for a jacket that ties in the back or anything like that, just yet. i do however realize that if i don't address the root of the problem, nothing will ever change. i have gone up and down, up and down on the scale in the past year or so. i lose 10, gain 2, lose 1, gain 3, etc. it has been this way for months and months and i was too ashamed to see it and really admit it. i would blame it on anyhing and everygthing and never take full responsibility for any of it. that my friends has got to change.

back in january of 09' when i started to feel horrible, well when i finally went to the doctor to find out why i was feeling horrible for so long, i was met with some news that i didn't like and i didn't deal with it as i should. i learned that i was hypothyroid and also had high blood wasn't as good as it could be, although not horrible, not superfantabulous either. all of these things are VERY common and i heard from alot of people it was no big deal, not to get worked up about it, etc. honestly though, they are a big deal, a big deal to me. these are things that i had never personally experienced before and i didn't really know how to deal with them.

for as long as i can remember, i was always the fat chick who had no "backlash from the fat"--my bp was good, my cholesterol, etc. i just wore a much larger size jeans and didn't get whistled at as much by the boys. i can remember sitting in the surgeon's office at like 28 years old, being evaluated for gastric bypass and having the surgeon say although i was definately obese, i had no comorbidities. i thought it was odd, like he was saying it like it was a bad thing. i remember thinking to myself that i was lucky. although i was chubby stuff i was still "healthy". when i saw that being ripped from my hands panic and terror set in. when i was hit with reality, it hit hard. i know that being overweight is not the reason i am hypothyroid and it may not even be the reason i have high bp, as it runs in my family, even the stick skinny ones, but it did suck getting the news and it scared and rattled me.

for the first week after i learned i was no longer what i deemed the healthy fat chick, i went into turbo mode, avoiding salt like the plague, writing down each milocalorie that passed my lips and consuming more water than most camels do in their lifetimes. then it stopped. the shit hit the fan and the walls came crumbling down. i was a fat girl who had some issues to address. rather than address them, i tried to hide from them, tried to deny them and tried to eat them away. eating, after all, was and had always been my comfort. it was my non judgemental friend who always pulled me through. no mas people, no mas.

over the past month i have done alot of soul searching and more recently over the last weekish or so. im worth more than this. while i dont feel the numbers on the scale, on the blood pressure monitor and on the cholesterol tests are not a reflection of my true being, those numbers are saying something. today those numbers are telling me to stop, think about what i want and go after it! today my scale told me to put the cheeseburgers down and get my fat ass in gear, sister. stop watching life pass you by, stop watching it from the side lines and get out there and do it.

so i listened and here i am. i have rededicated myself to this, to my life, to myself. it will be a battle, i know it but it's a battle i must take part in. no more giving up or giving in. no more making myself believe i dont deserve it-- none of that this time. i am restarting this journey at 383 pounds, which is down 63 pounds from when i first started. woop woop! i will use my blog as not only a tracking tool but as a way to work and address my issues. even if i don't have any readers, it's better to talk to the computer than a bag of ruffles.

xo